Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
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[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children