A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Brands during Pride
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined