I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
You’re the water to my grease fire.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower