“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
socratic questions
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
What a year we’ve had this week.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle