[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?