Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.