There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
You Might Also Like
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
This is a whole mood;
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week