April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
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Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.