Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
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A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.