An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
How do horror writers compete with current events?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Dammit Chief not again
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.