Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely thereâs some transferable skills there.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: thatâs not my hair.
Wife: then whoâs hair is it?
Me: omg itâs a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: iâm passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me: please, Iâve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we donât do Tupperware
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said âbreast milkâ and now sheâs not talking to me.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
At least once a day my daughter does something I canât comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Canât talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. đ¤ˇââď¸đ
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying âweeâ
Ever notice how people who say âBetter to ask for forgiveness than permissionâ never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that wonât attract animated bears.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs