I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
#NeverForget
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Trying
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I cannot call her anything else now