i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
You Might Also Like
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET