Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
This kinda thing happens to me often
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.