Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
You Might Also Like
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs