Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
only 11 steps left
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.