The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN