Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
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Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Who knew!
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.