*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
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*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
im 7 sauces long
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.