I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
You Might Also Like
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
#JohnTravolta
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My work here is done
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce