i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
need him