Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing