Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.