I can also cook 😂
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family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know