[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
According to math, I’m broke
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
A leaf blower, but for people.