nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
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The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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