The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.