Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
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Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.