Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account