[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.