Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”