Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.