I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
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If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
so, is there a mister shapen head
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*