Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
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ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
mom gave me mine for free
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
@ candidates for local office
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Weirdos gonna weird.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.