Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Just a friendly reminder!
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’