[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course