Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books