On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Wake me when AI does housework
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)