Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.