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Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.