Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
You Might Also Like
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I only treason on days ending in y
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Ah..makes sense now
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler