When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
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My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”