Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
You Might Also Like
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
thinking about a very short hotdog
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless