a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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A great tip. #CakeRex
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.