Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.