grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her: