I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it