First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.