BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
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[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.