If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
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Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Awesome parenting 😂